A Blaze of Light
by piper maru duchovny
Summary: Everyone heals differently. - AU after the plane crash. Mark/Addison.
1. Chapter 1

**This story is for Rachael. She asked for an AU that involved Mark going to LA after the plane crash and who am I to deny the Maddison queen? Also, I'm sick at the moment so I sincerely apologize for any and all mistakes. Also, this will be multiple chapters because I found I still have more to say. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

* * *

_Love is not a victory march,  
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah  
-Leonard Cohen_

* * *

"Are you sure you're up for this?" They're standing in the hospital hallway with her cold hand tucked into his, a worried look on her face and grief flowing openly between them both. His suit jacket is hanging over his arm and he lost his tie somewhere between the funeral home and his return to the hospital where he'd tucked into Arizona's room to bid her farewell. He'll be back in a week but who the hell knows what will change in a week? He hadn't been prepared for what could change in a matter of seconds. He had said goodbye to Lexie Grey this morning, standing outside on a painfully sunny Seattle day and he felt peace for the first time since the crash.

He licks his parched lips and leans in, brushing a kiss over the apple of Callie's cheek and squeezing her hand. "I need to get away from all the death, Cal."

"You're still healing," she counters. She has all this pent up emotions inside her and she can't spill them onto her wife without threatening everything so she's turned her feelings onto him and that's okay, that's how they work.

"I'm fine, Torres." And he is. His chest still hurts like a bitch if he breathes too deeply but he's walked away fairly unscathed. A miraculous recovery, story of his life.

She gives him a look that makes him smirk because he knows his daughter will be getting it for years to come. "It's a sixteen hour drive!"

"Calliope..." He's never called her by her full name before and it's weird, awkward on his tongue. "Cal, I love you and I'm just going for a week. I need life. I need-"

"Addison," she finishes.

"And Amelia." He actually hasn't spoken to Addison yet. Amelia had called and yelled at him for nearly getting himself killed – as if he could control an airplane – after talking with her brother so he can only assume that Addison knows too. "I'll Skype with you and Sof every day. Twice, if you want."

"Alright," Callie relents and extends her foot, tapping the toe of her sneaker against his shin. He returns the gesture. "You know I just love you, you moron."

He pulls her into a hug then, despite the ache it causes in his chest. Life is so fragile and the people you love can be gone in a split second – he gets that now. "I love you, too, Callie."

–

He split the driving into two days – stopping somewhere in southern Oregon for a few hours sleep in a crappy roadside motel that reminds him of road trips with Derek and Addison on long weekends in medical school. When he rolls into Los Angeles the next day, the sun is low in the late afternoon sky and he has to call Amelia to find out where they are. Addison's house, she informs him and gives him directions to the seaside abode in case he's forgotten since his last trip – he hasn't. He takes his time, enjoying the slow pace the cars seem to be taking, and steels his nerves against whatever is ahead of him. He hasn't seen Addison since she signed off on Sofia's case and he regrets that now because, no matter what, she's always been his friend.

Amelia's caught him up on the state of Addison's love life, how she's back to living with the fiery redhead and how she finally kicked Sam's ass to the curb. Addison is a mother now; a little boy named Henry who is a few months younger than his Sofia. They're parents and it's not the way he ever thought it would happen. He parks at the edge of her driveway and shakes the thought of 'could have been' from his mind.

The screen door slams and he looks up to Amelia sprinting across the quaint yard to throw her arms around him. He grunts at the impact and grumbles about his blunt force trauma but doesn't try to shove her aside. "I'm okay, Amy," he promises. "Derek and I are both okay."

"No you're not," her teary voice replies. She's right but she's still his Amy and he still wants to protect her from all the horrible things she's seen. "Derek's hand is trashed and you almost died and your Lexie did die-"

"I'm alive, Amelia." He pulls back from the embrace and tucks a raven lock behind her ear. "I'm alive and Derek's alive and people are dead. People who shouldn't have died are gone and people are hurt but right now... I'm alive." Amelia pulls him in for another hug and he doesn't care that it sends a fire through his chest, just hugs her back with equal intensity. "I love you, too, Amelia."

She sniffles and punches his shoulder when she pulls away, trying to hide the tears in her blue eyes. "Uh. Addison is upstairs putting Henry down for his nap. It's the... you know, just follow the sounds of Addison's off-key singing and you'll find them."

"And just where are you off to?"

"A meeting." She says nothing more because he needs no further explanation; he squeezes her elbow as she passes him by.

Up the front porch steps, through the vaguely familiar living room now littered with baby toys, halfway up the stairs when Addison's voice finds him. She's singing what sounds like _Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves_ as a lullaby but he has no ground to stand on because he's pulled out ACDC to get Sofia to sleep. He finds her in the nursery, red hair hiding her face from him as she leans over the crib to brush her son's hair from his face. She's more in her element as a mother than he's ever seen her before. His heart aches for a second, a split second of could haves and should haves. "Hey Red."

"Mark!" Her sharp voice threatens to wake the baby and he grins at the way she covers her mouth as if to take it back. She stands by the crib, stock still, for what seems like hours before she's rushing to him. Her arms go gently around him, the first hug in three weeks to not cause impossible pain, and hot tears gently pepper his shoulder as he brings his arm around her. "God, Mark. I thought we had lost you both."

"Don't you know by now, Addison?" His voice is teasing as his lips brush over the shell of her ear. "The only thing with the power to take Derek and I out of this world is you... And probably Amelia. Maybe Mama Shepherd. Not an airplane though," he promises, fingers ticking her side. She pulls back from the hug to roll her eyes at him and he tugs on an auburn curl causing her to smile. "There's my girl."

She chuckles and wipes her teary eyes with the knuckle of her pointer finger. She curls her piano fingers around his elbow and guides him out of the baby's room after flicking on the monitor, leading him down the stairs to collapse on her couch. She tucks a foot under her, angling herself to look at him, and raking her fingers through her hair. "Alright, Mark, honesty hour. Are you okay? Callie sent me a text after you left yesterday... Lexie's funeral?"

"I'm... sad," he settles on the word after careful consideration. "She was conscious for awhile after the crash... I got to say my goodbyes then and she got to say hers. She's gone and I'm unbelievably sad about that but I got my goodbye."

She nodded and reached out, lacing her fingers with his – it wasn't a romantic gesture, just the simple reassurance that she was there and would always be. "And your injuries?"

"My chest still feels like it has a linebacker sitting on it but it's mainly just a dull ache."

Her thumb rubs over the knuckles of his hand. "And I'm sure sixteen hours behind the wheel did wonders... Amelia and I would have came there if you had wanted."

"No," he replies too quickly. "I need space, Addison. Everything up there just reminds me that nothing is the same anymore. Arizona is still in the hospital, fighting infection after infection, and steadfastly trying to save her leg when we all know that she's gonna lose it. Derek's hand might never be the same. Yang won't speak to anyone. Meredith is... Meredith. She just keeps going. And Callie... I need to be there for her but I just can't right now."

"Mark, you just went through a life altering tragedy-"

"Yeah but she's always had my back and I need to have hers..." He shakes his head. "She's holding it all together somehow. She exhausted herself running back and forth between me and Blondie until they released me and still keeping up with her surgeries, trying to save Derek's hand and Arizona's leg."

Addison nods, knowing all too well how she and Callie are alike that way. "And the sweet Sofia?"

"She's the only part of being there that doesn't hurt," he answers solemnly. "She's everything left there that is good and pure and untainted by all of this. She doesn't look at me like I'm broken and fragile, she doesn't treat me with kid gloves, I'm just... daddy. To her I am still the indomitable force."

"Are you on pain killers," she asks out of the blue.

His brow furrows and he shakes his head. "I have some if I need them but I've only taken a couple since they released me last week."

"You need a drink," she decides and moves to grab the bottle of wine she had on the rack. His eyes tracked her as she moved around the kitchen seamlessly, filling glasses and moving silently across the wood floors to give him a glass. "You're not broken, Mark Sloan. You are strong and resilient. You are Sofia's indomitable force."

"Cheers." He nods and clinks his glass against hers before taking a sip. "Thanks, Red..."

She cocks an eyebrow in his direction. "I haven't even done anything."

"Yes, you have," he promises and takes her free hand in his again.

It isn't much; the pain is still very real, his body is still healing, and his soul might never be quite complete ever again but it's a start. He'd been stuck in stasis in Seattle; a purgatory of sadness, grief, and sidelong glances. She'd breathed the air back into him, sitting and listening, reassuring him that he would heal. He'd been there an hour and she was already helping him begin to heal.


	2. Chapter 2

**Still sick, still sorry for any and all errors. Hope you continue to enjoy this endeavor.**

**Dedicated to Rachael (once more) and M for being the ultimate slayers of all my feelings. **

**Disclaimer: I still don't own a darn thing. **

* * *

_Beautiful things never last,  
That's why fireflies flash  
-Ron Pope;_

* * *

She's on the phone with Savvy, a still quite sleepy Henry in her arms with his face smashed against the crook of her neck. He watches her from the couch where he's sitting cross-legged, hunched over and listening to Sofia babble about her day – he knows he should be paying full attention to his daughter but he's always been hyper aware of Addison Montgomery. She's got her knees pulled up in the chair, using her thighs to support her son, as she holds the phone to her ear with one hand and traces circles on the little boy's back with the other. When she tosses her head back and laughs, he finds himself smiling at the sound. Then he turns his attention back to his daughter and her babbles about daycare. Sofia's speech is far beyond most toddler's her age and it seems to compensate for her slower developing muscles; she babbles about Zola and _Yo Gabba Gabba_ , mama and mami. "Sounds like you had a full day, baby girl." He watches her nod vigorously, almost slipping off Callie's knee. "You're going to be good for mami tonight, right?"

"Okay," she intones. "Ni-night, mine daddy!"

His heart stops for a second and tears briefly flood his eyes but he blinks them away. "Goodnight, my sweet Sofia. I love you."

He blows her a kiss and she returns one with equal vigor, her pudgy hand knocking gracelessly into the laptop. She slips off of Callie's lap, falling easily into the crawling position though she's mastered walking, before disappearing off screen. Callie raises the camera and gives him a smile. "She misses you."

"I miss her too," he promises and he does. Except for those four days in the woods, he hasn't gone a day without holding her for her entire life. "Give her hugs and kisses for me, okay?"

"I will," Callie swears. "How's Addison?"

"Fine," he informs and turns his computer so they can wave at each other. There's something golden about their friendship, the way they can go without each other for years and still fall back into that same place they had left. He's not quite sure but he believes that Callie might have been Addison's first real best friend; sure there had been Savvy and Derek's sisters but their friendship was the first of Addison's that wasn't born from necessity, they weren't roommates or in-laws. He leaves them for a few minutes, listening to them catch up on their lives and children.

Amelia is in the kitchen working on a late dinner; she'd never been much of a cook but after her last stint in rehab she'd taken up the art form, something she could do with her hands that didn't result in any kind of high. He turns his head to track the brunette who had always fallen somewhere between little sister and the woman who could find her way into his bed whenever she liked. She looks so different from little Amy Shepherd who had lost her innocence far too early; she looked old, like she'd seen too much of the world far too fast. He leaves Addison and Callie talking on his laptop and slowly got up from the couch, ignoring the stiffness in his bones, and meands to the kitchen to drape an arm around her shoulder and press a kiss to the top of her head.

She tips her head to smile up at him and withdraws a small coin from her pocket. "Six months, buddy."

"So proud." He drops another kiss to her head and gives her a squeeze. "Need any help?"

"No, injured one, go sit your ass down."

He rolls his eyes and steals a piece of cooked chicken from the pile she's chopping for salad. She slaps his hand with a flat side of a knife. "Bossy and evil as ever, I see."

"Out of my kitchen, Mark."

He makes it back to the living room just in time to wave goodbye to Callie as she escapes to chase after their daughter. The couch welcomes him as he collapses on it, embarrassed by how quickly he got winded these days. Addison sits beside him, placing Henry on the floor in front of his blocks. Her head comes slowly over to rest against his shoulder and he naturally brings his head down to rest on hers.

"You okay," she dares to ask.

He lets out a slow breath. "I will be."

–

The nightmare surprises all of them. He bolts upright in bed at a quarter til four in the morning; Addison is flipping on the light as he comes to, Amelia passes in the shadows of the hallway to comfort a now screaming Henry. He watches through his panic as Addison comes over and curls herself around him. His heart is racing and he can't breathe right, his chest feels like someone has lit it on fire. Her touch is cool against his too hot skin and her lips press against his damp hair. "It's okay," she promises, rocking him gently. "It's okay, Mark. You're just fine, okay? You're alive and in California with me and Amelia and Henry. You're alright."

"Can't breathe," he manages to gasp, his arms coming up to grip her tightly.

"I know," she assures him. "Just a panic attack, you had a bad dream. Let me help you, alright?"

His voice is broken as he begs. "Please, Red. Help me."

"I will."

She tries to edge him back into the bed but he breaks from her gasp and stumbles to the bathroom, not even managing to flip on the light before he's retching the bit of dinner he ate. She takes it like the mother she is, automatically wetting a washcloth to press to the back of his neck and running a hand over his back as he vomits. Tears prickle beneath his eyes as he sinks to the floor with her arms around him. "Sorry."

"Hush," is her only response. "You're gonna be okay."

"They've had me so medicated," he explains. "I didn't expect this to happen."

She gets him a cup of water, flushes the toilet, and then sits across from him in the tiny bathroom. "You want to talk about it?"

"I don't remember much of what happened while we were out there but what I do remember..." He wipes his face with the rag and takes a small drink from the plastic cup. "Lexie was pinned by part of the plane... Massive crush injuries and just too much damage. If we had been able to get her out, she would have died from blood loss anyway. Derek's hand was caught under another piece – a wing, I think. Arizona's leg was broken so badly that we could see her bone. The pilot couldn't feel a damn thing."

Addison's face is stoic as she finds his hand on the cold tile floor. "What about you?"

"My chest..." He drops her hand and pulls his shirt over his head. She gasps at the sight; most of the bruises have faded but some from the surgery still remain. "The impact nearly killed me and we didn't even realize it right away."

"Mark," she whispers his name and ghosts her fingers over his chest. It hurts but he grits his teeth and lets her touch him gently. "Your breast bone?"

"Fractured."

"And ribs?"

He nods. "Multiple. Punctured lung, my heart took a beating..."

"You're alive," she reassures – him or herself, he doesn't know.

He lets out a soft chuckle. "Yang... her shoe came off on impact and she was about delirious from shock and she freaked out for so long because she couldn't find it."

"You dreamed about the crash then?"

He pulls her close by her hand, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her to him, her cheek damp from tears and pressed tightly against his naked collarbone. His lips find the soft velvet hair at her temple and he presses a kiss there. "I dreamed that there was more of us in the crash; you and Callie, Sofia... Amelia and Henry. Everyone I care about was there and I couldn't save any of you, I couldn't even save myself. Everyone was dying."

"I'm alive," she promises, her mouth barely brushing over the skin of his chest. "Amelia and Henry are just down the hall and alive too."

"I know," he breathes. "I do know."

She pulls back and laces their fingers together. "Lets go call Callie, alright?"

"It's four in the morning, Addison."

She raises an eyebrow at him. "With Sofia and Arizona and everything, I'm sure she's already awake and, even if she's not, she won't mind you calling."

He shakes his head. "Can we just sit here awhile longer, please?"

"Whatever you need."

She moves to tuck back into his side but he shakes his head and pulls her into his lap. Careful of his injuries, she settles into his embrace and kisses his forehead, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him the best she could given her position. He curls himself around her until they're a mess of tangled limbs incapable of telling where one ended and the next began. They stayed that way, protectively curled together, until the sun began to rise and he gave into the pull of sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Not quite sure how I feel about this chapter... **

**Still for Rachael. **

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing. **

* * *

_When you cry the tears fill up my eyes too,  
Cause I feel you, I probably don't have to say it,  
But it might help if you hear it again,  
You know I'll always be here, I'm your friend,  
When the fear enters in, I won't leave you,  
Cause it hurts to know you're crying and  
I hate that I can't help...  
-Will Wells' "It's Okay to Not Be Okay";_

* * *

She watches him through the patio doors for a second; he's sitting on the deck, looking out at the ocean that seems to go on forever, chin lifted slightly as if he's trying to soak up all the sun he can. She edges the door open with her elbow, careful not to slosh lemonade all over her hands, stepping out and carefully sliding it shut with the heel of her barefoot. She sits silently beside him, wordlessly handing him a drink and taking a sip from her own. They slept late into the afternoon; Addison had rested on top the covers with Mark beneath, his arm flopped over her middle protectively. She had offered to leave but in his sleepy haze he'd mumbled something about needing her next to him – how could she deny him that comfort?

"Where's Amelia," he finally asks after half his lemonade is gone.

"She and Henry are spending their day together; I believe she mentioned something about getting him his first tattoo." She smirks and elbows him gently, coaxing a smile and a soft chuckle out of him. "They're at the park and then they're bringing dinner back."

Mark nods and places the sweating glass beside him on the deck and leans back on the palm of his hands. "He's really good for her, for the both of you. Mama Addie and Auntie Amelia."

"He is," Addison agrees and turns to sit Indian style on the deck, smiling at him. "Sofia is good for you, you know?" She tickles him with her toes. "She's a beautiful little thing."

"She's Callie in miniature." He lays back and she joins him, turning on her side to look at him. "Actually I think she's Arizona in miniature on the inside which is good because the world could use some more Arizona. She's all perky and happy... Sofia is the purest happiness I've ever seen, you know?"

"I know," she promises and dips a finger under the sleeve of his shirt, tracing circles on his bicep comfortingly. "I see a lot of you in her though... She's strong just like you. When she was in that NICU all I could see was you and the stories that Derek told me about what it was like for you growing up. She's strong like her daddy."

Tears pooled in his eyes and she wished she could take the words back. He sighs and turns on his side to face her. "I don't feel so strong these days, Addison."

"You will, I promise." She dares to reach up and brush her fingers through his hair. "For right now, it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have nightmares and to hurt and be angry at the world. Whatever you're feeling right now, that's really okay."

He smiles a genuine smile and her heart beats a little faster. "Do I have to tell you I would be lost without you or do you already know?"

–

He lays on the floor with Henry while Addison and Amelia wash the dinner dishes. He traces a long finger over the boy's nose, across his tiny lips, down his arm to count the fingers on each hand before blowing a raspberry on the sticky skin of his neck which elicits a round of squirming and smiles. He kisses the baby's forehead and grins down at him. "You've got a good one, little man. The best mom ever quite possibly – well, she's on par with my girl's mami and mama anyway. Sof probably wouldn't like it if I said her Aunt Addie is better than her beloved mommies. Anyway, I think you're a pretty awesome little dude with one of the best moms and the world's greatest Auntie Amelia."

"Damn right," Amelia says as she sits down on the other side of Henry and scoops him up. "Hello mister-mister." Mark watches as Henry's fingers tangle in Amelia's long raven hair and yanks, getting a slight yelp before she gently pries the tresses from his finger and toss the hair over her shoulder. "So mean to Auntie Amelia."

"Hey Amy," his voice is rough and he clears his throat before continuing. "Are you okay?"

Amelia nods solemnly, not needing to ask what he's talking about. "This helps, you know? Knowing that my baby's working parts are now helping other babies... that helps too."

"After Ryan... How did you go on?"

She shrugs and shakes her head. "I didn't. I went to rehab because it was the only choice but I just... Functioning was so hard for a long time after that, it's still hard sometimes. And we didn't even have the history that you and your Lexie had."

"Everything makes me feel guilty," he admits. "I lived and she died and I don't know how to reconcile any of it."

Amelia reaches over to take his hand in hers. "I don't think there will ever be a day when I won't feel guilty for the fact that I'm still breathing and Ryan's in the ground somewhere... It gets easier and you'll feel guilty for it being easier but eventually living isn't so hard and the guilt that is still there silences a little."

"Derek thinks I took the coward's way out, leaving after the funeral." He shakes his head; his best friend is angry and has every right to be. They're all grieving these days. "I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't watch Meredith miss her sister, I couldn't watch Derek's arm not recover... I can't watch Arizona choose between her leg and her life. I can't... Being here is the only thing that makes any sense."

"Then fuck Derek and everything he thinks," Amelia growls in anger. "Derek will deal with this in Derek's own way and you'll deal with it in your way. You two have always dealt with grief differently and this isn't any different. If Derek has a problem with how you're handling your grief then it's Derek who has the problem, Mark."

"When the hell did you get wise?"

She let out a sharp laugh and shook her head. "Hell if I know but it was bound to happen eventually, I guess."

"No swearing in front of the baby," Addison scolds them as she joins their little pow-wow on the floor, snagging her son from his aunt. "Honestly, between the two of you, Henry's first word is going to be the f-bomb."

"The f-bomb, really?" Mark smirks. "Amelia, you remember what Addison's like when she's drunk, don't you? Like that summer in East Hampton when she cussed Derek out for the empty vodka bottle when she's the one who drank it all."

"Oh yeah," Amelia laughs. "And her med school graduation party where she told Archer the thirty-one ways he could go fuck himself."

"I hate you both." Addison narrows her eyes and sticks out her tongue.

Mark laughs and snags her foot, pulling her toward him. "That's so mature, Addie. Honestly, Henry will be sticking out his tongue because of you."

Addison rolls her eyes and glares. "You suck."

–

He watches from the doorway as she puts Henry down for the night; Amelia's gone for the night, work called and she had to answer. The house is quiet except for the nightly routine the mother and child go through as she places him in the crib, turning on the mobile and kissing his nose with the soft promises of 'I love you'. He sees the tears in her eyes as she tries to leave the room, his hand finds her wrist and he pulls her into his arms. She presses her face into his shoulder and he rocks her gently. "Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong, Addison?"

"It's nothing," she mumbles into his shirt. "I'm sorry.

Mark pulls back and cups her chin, brow furrowing in concern. "What's wrong?"

"I just..." She wipes her tears on the sleeve of the old Columbia hoodie she's wearing and tries again. "Do you ever just get caught up in what could have been?"

His hand finds the small of her back and he guides her back down the stairs, pulling her into the oversized arm chair with him and wrapping his arms around her. "I think about it a lot... What if I had spoken up before you married Derek? What if I hadn't slept with someone else after Derek left? What if I had fought harder instead of just sitting back while you chased Derek across the country?"

"What if I hadn't had the abortion?"

"Sometimes," he admits as he plays with her hair. "Sometimes I think of what it could have been like if you'd had the baby and we'd really tried to make things work... but it wasn't the right time for either of us, Addie."

"I know that, I do."

He kisses the crown of her head. "You were right back then, I wouldn't have been a good father and you weren't ready to give up on your marriage."

She sighs and settles against him, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. "I still wonder sometimes and since we both have kids now..."

"No regrets, Addison." He gives her a soft smile. "No regrets, okay? It's all worked out the way it was supposed to."

"You could have died," she breathes into his shoulder.

He just lets the lack of transition slip on by. "Yeah, Addison. I could have died."

"And the last time we would have seen each other, your daughter was fighting for her life and we thought we were going to lose Callie..." Addison shakes her head. "It's so much death or almost death."

"I know," he reassures her.

"No more, okay," she makes him promise. "No more almost dying and no more letting so much time pass between seeing each other, even talking to each other."

"Alright, Addison," he agrees. "No more not seeing each other and no more almost dying. I promise."


End file.
